Hosting Thanksgiving with an Older Parent: A Four-Week Plan

Having a parent come for Thanksgiving is a good thing. It is also one more big job on a full plate. A little planning, spread over four weeks, can keep the day calmer for everyone, including you.

Four weeks out: agree the plan with your parent#

Start with Mom, not the menu. The National Institute on Aging suggests you talk to the person ahead of time and find out what they would like to do during your visit. That advice is written for long-distance caregiving, but it fits a holiday stay too.

A few questions to ask her:

• How long would you like to stay?
• What part of the day matters most to you?
• Is there anything you would rather skip this year?

If that talk feels hard to start, the first conversation about care doesn’t have to be perfect.

Then bring in the rest of the family. Family Caregiver Alliance suggests inviting your family to meet by phone or online to create a schedule and find out what others can contribute.

Think about the size of the gathering, too. Family Caregiver Alliance notes that smaller gatherings in more familiar surroundings can offer everyone a chance for meaningful time together.

If you are hosting, Family Caregiver Alliance says it may be a good time to change some of the “but we’ve always done it this way” meal traditions.

Three weeks out: travel and where everyone sleeps#

Now turn the plan into logistics. Write down who is getting Mom to your house, and when she will head home. Ask her what she needs to be comfortable where she is sleeping, and let her say what works for her.

You will not get to everything. The National Institute on Aging advises you to decide on your top priorities, which may mean saving other tasks for a future visit. Maybe this visit is for the meal and time together, and the closet clear-out can wait.

Two weeks out: a quieter space and the day’s rhythm#

Big family days can be tiring. Plan the quiet before you need it.

Family Caregiver Alliance suggests designating another room in the house as a quiet place for your parent. It says a quieter room with less stimulus can help, with family members taking turns visiting.

Build breaks into the schedule as well. Family Caregiver Alliance also suggests honoring an early evening quiet time so that you and your parents can get a good night’s sleep or at least some private time.

Sketch the day in rough blocks: arrival, a rest, the meal, a rest, then wind-down. You are not building a strict timetable. You are making sure rest has a place in it.

One week out: share the jobs#

This is the week to hand things off. Family Caregiver Alliance suggests you delegate some of the things that need doing by talking to your siblings ahead of time. You can explain that you will be thrilled to see them but also overwhelmed.

Try to match jobs to people. The National Institute on Aging says that, ideally, each person takes on the tasks best suited to their skills and interests. Your brother who loves to cook can take the pies. Your teenager might be good at keeping Grandma company.

It is fine to be honest about your limits. Family Caregiver Alliance suggests telling family members that you only have so much energy for holiday preparation and hosting duties.

If the guilt creeps in, making room for yourself without the guilt may help.

On the day#

Use this short checklist, and adjust it to your family:

• The quiet room is ready, and everyone knows it is there.
• The list of jobs is posted where people can see it.
• An early evening quiet time is on the schedule.
• There is something to do besides the meal. The National Institute on Aging suggests making time for things like watching a movie, playing a game, enjoying music or taking a drive.
• You check in with Mom during the day. The National Institute on Aging recommends checking in regularly with the older person and other caregivers to make sure the arrangement is still working for everyone.

Your next step#

Bring this timeline to your next weekly family check-in. Pick one week to start with, say who is doing what, and put the first conversation with Mom on the calendar.