Family Caregivers Month: Who's Carrying What Right Now?

What National Family Caregivers Month is for#

National Family Caregivers Month is celebrated every November as a time to recognize and honor family caregivers across the country.

That includes you. It may also include a brother who handles the pharmacy runs, or a sister who calls every night. Many people never think of themselves this way. According to CAN, more than half of those providing care in the U.S. don't recognize themselves as caregivers.

So November is a good excuse to do something simple. Look at the work together, and say it out loud.

Making the invisible work visible#

Most care work is hard to see. It's the scheduling, the texting, the remembering, the driving. Nobody sees it unless it's written down.

Families often don't think through who becomes the primary caregiver and what supporting roles other family members will play. The role just lands on whoever is closest, or whoever says yes first. Then it quietly grows.

A worksheet changes the conversation. Instead of "I do everything," you have a list. A list is easier to talk about than a feeling.

The who's-carrying-what worksheet#

Copy this into a shared document or draw it on paper. Each family member fills in their own copy first, before anyone compares.

Task I do	How long it takes (per week)	Do I want to keep it?	What I could take on
Example: weekly phone call	1 hour	Yes
Example: scheduling appointments	45 minutes	Not sure

Things to include:

• Visits, calls and rides
• Scheduling and keeping track of appointments
• Errands, groceries and meals
• Paperwork and bill reminders (listing who keeps track, not how to handle it)
• Home upkeep and yard work
• Being the person everyone texts for updates

The National Institute on Aging offers a worksheet that lets you add other activities as needed and note who is taking care of each one. You can use it alongside this one.

The five-minute version. If this week is packed, skip the table. Each person answers three questions in a text or a shared note:

1. What are the three care tasks I do most?
2. About how much time do they take each week?
3. What is one thing I could take on, or take off my plate?

If someone isn't sure what to offer, they can ask what would be most helpful. That works well for siblings who live far away.

Reading the results without blame#

Lay the lists side by side. Look for three things: tasks nobody has, tasks one person has too many of, and tasks someone would gladly do.

A family meeting can be a place to discuss your parent's needs and ask what each person can contribute. If you want help running one, see A family meeting that actually helps.

A few ground rules keep it calm:

• Try to keep the discussion on the concrete issue at hand, not on which of you cares the most or knows what is best.
• Try not to generalize with lines like “You always.” Point to one task on the list instead.
• Start with what each person already does before asking for more.

The lists are a snapshot, not a verdict. Someone with a long list isn't a hero, and someone with a short list isn't a villain. Their lives, distance and hours are just different.

Three small changes to try this month#

You don't need to redo the whole system. Pick one to three small changes.

1. Match tasks to people. Ideally, each person providing care will be able to take on the tasks best suited to their skills and interests. The sibling who likes spreadsheets may be happy to track appointments. The one who hates phone calls may prefer to drive.
2. Share a calendar. Set up a shared calendar online or in a smartphone app to coordinate with other caregivers. Visits, rides and appointments are then visible to everyone.
3. Give the main caregiver a break. The NIA worksheet lists providing respite care to a primary caregiver as one way to divide up the duties. That can be as small as covering one weekend afternoon.

And a reminder for yourself: no one can be expected to do everything. The NIA puts it kindly: be gentle with yourself and realistic about how much you can do and what you are willing to do. For more on that, read Making room for yourself (without the guilt).

Setting a date to look again#

Before you finish, put a date on the calendar. Pick one that suits your family, perhaps a month or so from now.

The NIA advises you to check in with the older person and the other caregivers regularly to make sure the current arrangement is still working for everyone. Your parent's voice belongs in that check-in too.

When the date comes, update the worksheet. If you'd like a lighter rhythm in between, try a 15-minute weekly family check-in.

You don't have to fix everything this November. Getting the work onto one page is a good start.